Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Camp sights: Part Two

The English Abroad.

A play in one act.

St Tropez: a mediaeval port that has lost none of its charm; its narrow streets wind lazily beneath the sun as azure waves lap softly against the ancient shore.

Gigi is strolling along the seafront when a lion-like roar (in a broad northern English accent) rips through the air. A large, purple-faced man is gesticulating menacingly in the middle of the street:

Angry tourist: Police! Get me the police! Anyone 'ere know where the police station is? Shut up you. I want the police NOW!

Gigi: Ahem - can I help perhaps?

Angry Tourist: Yeah, I ordered mools mariner, right? And when it come it were too salty an' there were no wine, no cream, nothing so I said…

AT’s Wife: We've only bin 'ere two days.

AT: So I said I’m not 'aving this rubbish take it away. I’ll 'ave what 'e's 'aving cos the bloke next to me were eating a pizza.

AT’s wife: Disgusting it is.

A French waiter, who has been standing calmly by and is now on the phone to the police, smiles tightly at Gigi.

Waiter: Ils sont partis sans payer.

AT: An' the waitress brought the pizza, right, and she slapped it on table an' said "There is no wine with this meal."

Waiter: Et il l’a traitée de pute.

AT’s wife: This is disgusting, this is. We've only bin 'ere two days.

Gigi: Er – the waiter said you left without paying and you insulted the waitress…

AT: No I never, stupid cow. POLICE! Where's the police? I want the police.

Waiter: No problem, monsieur– you are going to spend ze whole day wiz ze police. Zey are on their way.

AT: I want the British Embassy! Someone phone the British Embassy!

AT’s wife: My 'usband's not well. 'E's already 'ad one heart attack. It's disgusting, it is. We've only bin 'ere two days.

The Angry Tourist clutches his chest and starts moaning loudly.

AT: Oooh! Arrgghh! Get an ambulance, quick! Oooh…

Waiter: No problem, monsieur – what is ze number for ze eenglish ambulance?

AT: Nine – nine - nine.

Gigi: Well, er – I’d better be off. Um – I’m sure the police will sort it all out.
(To the waiter) Je suis désolée. Nous ne sommes pas tous comme ça. Bon courage…



Dumdad said...

I've only bin 'ere two minutes on your blog and already I'm enjoying it!

Jonas said...

"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Anonymous said...

I've come,
I've read,
I've laughed

Louise said...

Great piece, Gigi! Made me cringe!

Anonymous said...

hahaha i love it
from mairwen

Gigi said...

Dumdad - I've only just discovered your blog (shame on me) and I spent about two hours there and consequently didn't get any work done :-)

Jonas - quite right too.

riri - and then I suppose you had a nap as usual...

Louise - lovely to hear from you. Will you be back on blogger at any point? I'd love to read about your life in Belgium...

Mairwen - not as good as Dr Who though is it :-(

Anonymous said...

Is this a true story? If it is then it makes you feel ashamed to be British when in France.

I spend a lot of time there, and I enjoy the French food and way of life. I have been in similar situations involving English tourists, but I don't admit to being English when they try to involve me.

"Ich bin ein Deutscher, und Ich kann nicht verstehen Sie! Sod off!" is my usual response. Sad isn't it?

Gigi said...

I'm afraid it is, Keith - and I felt obliged to apologise to the waiter for being English myself!

It seems we don't have a very good reputation over here - I have friends who own a private 'hall of residence' for students and they dread the English students coming over. Apparently, they spend the whole academic year completely p***ed!

Anonymous said...

Oh, how embarrassing. But it was funny reading about it!

Tinsie said...

Uh oh. How embarassing :-(

screamish said...


in madrid recently three hungover English girls at the hotel breakfast buffet, speaking increasingly louder at a Bolivian waiter "Oy...I want bacon, more bacon..and tomato sauce, oright? tomato sauce!! bacon!!!"

Poor thing...he smiled so nicely. I don't think he understood a word....

Gigi said...

sablonneuse and tinsie - oh yes - it was very embarrassing and beyond my comprehension. Why do people do that? I wonder if other nations do the same thing abroad?

screamish - funny how they are loud as well as rude - do they think all foreigners are deaf perhaps?

angela said...

I think you're very brave offering to help...I run a mile, coward that I am..

Sarah said...

There are some real twats in the world. Amazing!

Maybe you could have suggested he go 'ome to Scunthorpe if he didn't like it... :D